No, seriously

Whenever I put things here, I tend to take them (or mean them) seriously. Last year, while going through a very difficult time, I mentioned to a friend just how much I needed to feed my creative side. That was a serious need then, and it remains a serious need today. I’ve gone through some super tough things over the past 9 months or so, and not having the time to actually feed that creative need has mostly been tied to survival (y’ know….making $).

My job is not so bad. It’s not wonderful, but the stress is mostly manageable. However, my job (routinely speaking, of course) REALLY lacks a sense of immediacy in terms of results. My job is (mostly) a process-oriented job….it (can mostly take) YEARS to see the results of my efforts….and even those results are usually quite minor. I really super absolutely badly need to see some results in terms of my life/time/motions/words/thoughts/actions….and I COMPLETELY mean that. No, I’m not my job. Yes, I ‘asked’ my job to define who/what I was for FAR TOO VERY LONG, and I’m working super hard to get beyond that kind of garbage-based thinking. But, in terms of the hours I have in each day, AND the number of hours I have left on this Earth…..heck, realistically, I might have 10,500 days left (even that might be a teeny bit generous). I just really need to SEE the fruits of my labors/actions.

None of this should indicate that I’ve been up to nothing creatively over the past 30 years…….far from it, actually. But: I just need to see and record more. I’ve actually done quite a bit of citizen journalism over the past 8 years (in a wide variety of contexts/flavors) and that matter to me, it really does. God knows I have very little free time right now, but I still must press forward on this….I just have to. But I just need to see some stuff that I/others can put our hands on, y’know? So: I’m going to do that, and I’m going to try to document a bit of that along the way here……while still (largely) keeping my anonymity going here. Yep…..so, here ‘goes!

Loneliness

I (mostly) try to be careful not to reveal too much about who I am (IRL) on this blog. I’m not sure I do a good job, but still, I try to be careful. My wife and I separated not too long ago…..just a few weeks, actually. I’d known about her wishes for about 2 months. Long story short: I had been struggling so very badly with loneliness and sadness for such a long time, and its reasonable to say she’d had some struggle too.  I’ve been working on/getting help with my feelings for a while now and I feel MUCH better and I am working very hard on being more socially connected too (with real people and real relationships).

The link below leads to an AMAZING article on loneliness in these modern times….and I connected to it very strongly. Maybe, had I have read it a year ago, things might’ve been a little smoother……I doubt it would’ve ‘fixed’ our troubles, but y’know.

Loneliness article

On feelings and the feeling of feelings…….

I’m not completely sure what’s motivating me, in terms of making this post. I honestly think I’m growing deeply sick of Facebook. Its truly the embodiment of the ‘least common denominator’ in terms of intelligence (I know, that’s a snobby thing to say……..this is my blog and I don’t care). Not too many weeks back, I really felt like I was doing pretty well. I really got serious about doing some journaling/reading/working-on-myself stuff. That went along OK for a little while. But, I’ve had some very serious depression going on lately.

It seems that I can’t really get much of a handle on it. I have half-days that are OK. I even have 2-3 hour blocks that are OK. The early mornings and the late evenings, are VERY bad, though…….and I mean, bad. I am a MASTER NINJA at ‘You’re-OK-I’m-Not-OK’ thinking……and have been for a very long time……I’m fully aware of that flaw. But it just seems like LOADS of things are working great for people I know, but not for me.  Thing, there’s the irony of: my life really ISN’T  particularly horrible. Hmmmmm, I dunno. I’m just not in the mood right now.

Random little thing about work and stuff

At the moment, I’m a part-time graduate student. I’m FAR past my 40th birthday and grad. school was suppose to’ve been very much in my rear view mirror by now…….but I digress. I have a stable job, and except for a brief period a good while back, my employment situation has mostly been pretty stable as an adult. Anyway, a bunch of my coursework is built around Human Resources-related topics…….and right now, we’re talking about something known as ‘Need’ theory and ‘Expectancy’ theory……..these are old, stalwart parts of the world of human resources. So, I’ve been thinking about stuff like why we work and (you guessed it) what we hope or expect to get out of work, yada-yada-yada. It’s funny how, in big parts of our lives, we hope for ‘stable’ work and/or a ‘steady’ paycheck……that is, of course, a big thing for most people. I’ve been laughing, lately though, about how shortly after I get that very thing, I tend to gripe about how bored I am. Work is just so DARNED BORING sometimes. Weirder still, I’m not sure I’d even want the stress of a so-called ‘exciting’ job! I just rarely ever feel ANYTHING that I’d describe as exciting at work. It’s just a grind…….and for what?! I wouldn’t say I’m feeling depressed right now…..just laconic, really.

On smallness and being small

I suppose for no particular reason, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about just how small my life is. I don’t mean I have a terrible life (because I don’t…..MANY people have lives 500% worse than mine has EVER been). I guess I just mean that my life, in general is very small. My job is perfectly OK……and what I do is important, but it doesn’t have a sense of IMMEDIATE impact on the lives of hundreds of people. I have a few friends, and that’s great and I appreciate them….I really do. But, y’know……few people ever really seek out my opinion or my input.

Some years ago, I ran a medium size business (got out of it….too stressful for me)…..I sometimes remember those times, and think about how people would stop chatting with others and turn and listen to what I had to say. Now, one might argue: ‘Here’s a guy who obviously got too much emotionally from his work, or at least tried to.’ and those people might be right. I don’t know…..I’m just feeling a little mopey, I guess. I’ll snap out of it, I always do.

Blasted……..

So, I’ve had a lot of things happen over the past several months. Oddly, most of the ‘bad’ things really haven’t happened to me (in my personal life)…..it’s just stuff in my professional life etc. Last week, I testified in a divorce proceeding (that was also a custody situation as well) for a long-time friend/co-worker. The whole business lasted ALL DAY. I was so exhausted when I got home……it was a beating. This, after spending quite a few-dozen-hours on the phone with said friend over the past few months (not complaining…..just takes a lot out of you)……in the lead-up to this giant event. You know, maybe I would have NEVER wanted to be an attorney…..that stuff is rough, man. It was such a sad, painful event…….but in the end, my friend ended up with custody and they’re divorced…..it’s over. He gets child support, too…….not a lot, but it’ll help.

Something small….

I read an article today (at LinkedIn) about a manager refusing to engage in ‘Stack Ranking’ of employees. It was a good article, and although I’d heard of it, I was really unaware of how the practice worked. I work for a state agency, and I’ve heard that it’s been used here (but heck, raises come so infrequently around here, period….that it rarely even comes up!)

But, it made me remember something I used to do when I worked in healthcare administration. I used to like to do the old ‘Memo’ containing ‘Supervisor’s Expectations’ with many of my employees. It wasn’t ‘negative’ per se, or really even meant to be ugly, but now, with many years of life and working under my belt, I’ll say this: I wouldn’t do that kind of crap nowadays….I just wouldn’t. If you’re a good manager, and you know how to motivate people, just through talking and chatting, your people should know what’s expected of them…..without a silly memo.

It’s demeaning and as a minimum, pedestrian, to treat your people like that.

Hmmmm, interesting

I’ve never been a huge fan of Psychology Today magazine. As a social worker, I find much of the stuff to be wacky, wonky babble that teeters near the line of astrology more than science. However, I stumbled upon this article today: No autism epidemic

Simply on the matter of thinking like a proper scientist, it’s a good article.