On feelings and the feeling of feelings…….

I’m not completely sure what’s motivating me, in terms of making this post. I honestly think I’m growing deeply sick of Facebook. Its truly the embodiment of the ‘least common denominator’ in terms of intelligence (I know, that’s a snobby thing to say……..this is my blog and I don’t care). Not too many weeks back, I really felt like I was doing pretty well. I really got serious about doing some journaling/reading/working-on-myself stuff. That went along OK for a little while. But, I’ve had some very serious depression going on lately.

It seems that I can’t really get much of a handle on it. I have half-days that are OK. I even have 2-3 hour blocks that are OK. The early mornings and the late evenings, are VERY bad, though…….and I mean, bad. I am a MASTER NINJA at ‘You’re-OK-I’m-Not-OK’ thinking……and have been for a very long time……I’m fully aware of that flaw. But it just seems like LOADS of things are working great for people I know, but not for me.  Thing, there’s the irony of: my life really ISN’T  particularly horrible. Hmmmmm, I dunno. I’m just not in the mood right now.

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On smallness and being small

I suppose for no particular reason, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about just how small my life is. I don’t mean I have a terrible life (because I don’t…..MANY people have lives 500% worse than mine has EVER been). I guess I just mean that my life, in general is very small. My job is perfectly OK……and what I do is important, but it doesn’t have a sense of IMMEDIATE impact on the lives of hundreds of people. I have a few friends, and that’s great and I appreciate them….I really do. But, y’know……few people ever really seek out my opinion or my input.

Some years ago, I ran a medium size business (got out of it….too stressful for me)…..I sometimes remember those times, and think about how people would stop chatting with others and turn and listen to what I had to say. Now, one might argue: ‘Here’s a guy who obviously got too much emotionally from his work, or at least tried to.’ and those people might be right. I don’t know…..I’m just feeling a little mopey, I guess. I’ll snap out of it, I always do.

Blasted……..

So, I’ve had a lot of things happen over the past several months. Oddly, most of the ‘bad’ things really haven’t happened to me (in my personal life)…..it’s just stuff in my professional life etc. Last week, I testified in a divorce proceeding (that was also a custody situation as well) for a long-time friend/co-worker. The whole business lasted ALL DAY. I was so exhausted when I got home……it was a beating. This, after spending quite a few-dozen-hours on the phone with said friend over the past few months (not complaining…..just takes a lot out of you)……in the lead-up to this giant event. You know, maybe I would have NEVER wanted to be an attorney…..that stuff is rough, man. It was such a sad, painful event…….but in the end, my friend ended up with custody and they’re divorced…..it’s over. He gets child support, too…….not a lot, but it’ll help.

Sadness

Some days.....a fella just feels like this guy.

Some days…..a fella just feels like this guy.

Y’know, you hear words like “image crafting” and “image management” in today’s social media-laden world. People often only put really attractive photos of themselves up or only discuss their major successes…..stuff like that. I tend to like it when people discuss failures/struggles via social media……it often has a very real timbre to it in a universe laden with synthetic happiness.

In line with that: yesterday…..in less than two hours (before lunch, mind you!) I learned that my sister had a heart attack in the wee early hours of Wednesday morning (she lives in another state) and was being prepped for a heart catheterization and ALSO that one of my 20-year friend’s brother (only 52 years old!!!) had died in his sleep due to a heart attack that night!! Oh, and later that night, my friend’s flight (while en route to Indiana) had to make an emergency stop before arriving at its destination! (“Emergency stop” sounds like fun, when you’re flying home to see your grieving parents, doesn’t it??)  Also, I was embroiled in a 5 hour meeting that day that was much more stressful and ardous than it needed to’ve been.

Rough day……I mean that!